Heart to heart...

I am actually dissapointed that lately my blog post havnt been verry... well, positive. But I naturally feel like I need to write, or in this case... type SOMETHING to get things out of my mind and out, somewhere else. So in saying that... I will try my hardest to make more... enjoyable/happy post. But untill then... i will just rant =/

--- For weeks now I have felt frustrated with just about everything and anything around me. I havnt at all been happy with the way my life seems to be going, because I know that im better than this. But it takes so much to make me see that.

I talk to my mom about EVERYTHING! But I try to keep my insecurities and stress to myself when it comes to her, because I know it kills her to see me like this. This has gotten so bad that I NEDDED to talk to her! I HAD to. Naturally as a mother she tells me "Well you know it will get better in time, you know im not a weak person, and i know you are not a weak person. So some times we just have to pull it together... get things done." This isnt exactly what I was looking for, as far as a responce. =//

I naturally go straight to my cousin afterwards... She is THE closest person to me and i felt that ofcourse she would understand. We talked and talked but yet she could only tell me what anyother person would tell me. "Stick it out, because you know you gotta get it done and it will be fine." This didnt work for me either. Because at this point... my breaking point... Its NOT ok!! Its NOT going to be fine. At least right now... that how i feel. Things are that bad.

In search for something MORE than the common cookie cutter answer I feel im getting I got to my boyfriend. We have been at this thing for 3 years now and I feel as if he knows me well enough to talk to about anything! As I sit on the phone balling my eyes out he can honestly tell me "Babe, things are bad right now, they are NOT ok... and you can cry as much as you want to." But what he did make me realize is that, if i really want things to be ok I cant let my tears and my stress get the best of me.

I used to be able to tell myself this :(

I cant let other people bring me down, because at the end of the day, thats what people want to see. I hate to say it, but it happens. I have too much to let myself break down completely. I have to pick myself up and like my mom said... get it done. I thank god every night for blessing me with the opportunities that i have, that some others dont.

Im not at all saying that I wont cry anymore... and that im over this, because i wont... and im not. Im human! And what these people have helped me to see, is that as long as i get over it, and pick myself up eventually, i can do it how ever i want...


I think... that i think too much =/

Its personal...

Where have I gone. I have become someone unrecognizable to even myself. The confidant, loving, goofy, outgoing girl, remains no longer. But why? Why does she cry over anything, even things so small. Why has strength become sensitivity, and laughs into tears? The things that once rolled right off her shoulders, now remain as weight, like the world is one her shoulders. She despratly wants to break free, but constantly keeps others in mind. When can she live for her self. When will she be able to look into the mirror and see the beautiful she once saw? When will she no longer feel discusted with her body or way of living? Because she once thought that she was more than fine the way she was. So what has changed? And when will it be back... to normal??